Well, how quickly the time flies, the end of January already? That means my first month in this new adventure of being self-employed is wrapping up. 2012 ended with feelings of guilt and a bit of anxiety, 2013 starting with the next phase of sorts: emptiness. The first couple of weeks I felt so empty, that vessel-full of frustration and futility suddenly giving way to a new, fresh slate. It was weird…I just felt nothing for a time, it’s like a mourning process, I guess: guilt, anxiety, emptiness, and now acceptance and the slow adjustment of my new life. I don’t regret it, though, because I am seeing life has put me where I need to be when I need to be, and I’m keeping busy with projects. Motivation comes in waves, inspiration pops up at rather interesting times, and coffee has become a dear friend, which leads to burning a lot of midnight oil these days. I do need to work on that, trying to keep a normal person’s sleeping schedule. I’ve had to kick my ass a bit, tell myself to “snap out of it” and get into this new groove, but as the weeks have passed, it’s getting easier.
It’s easy to forget just how much you’ve been missing out on life until you finally free up more time to enjoy more of the little things: just this month, I went out to a couple of newly-released movies, in an actual theatre! It has been SO LONG since I’ve done that. And to be able to go shopping during the day, on a weekday(!),and communicate with friends more, instead of being utterly drained and locked away in the trap of discontent, hoping for another weekend to decompress. And long stretches of cat snuggling time! Yeah, I’m sure people are thinking, “what cave have you been forcing yourself to live in, for how long, and WHY?” There is no easy answer for that, just a matter of breaking through some mental blocks and self-esteem issues. (Just read past entries to get a feel for that; I’d rather not go back and rehash it.) It’s been nice; a weird adjustment, but a welcome one. I do still find myself wondering what’s going on at the old job without me, but in a different way now. It may have been time to move on for me, but yet I hope things continue on at the hands of those I left behind…time will tell, I suppose. At least I can use my time and energy to their full potential now, instead of toiling away for something that isn’t ultimately benefiting me at all. Not to say the old job was a miserable experience the entire time, but sometimes I guess one has to experience that period of doldrums to really take notice of the things others are doing and what one really wants in their own life, and then actually DO IT. No matter, it’s all in the past now, the past. No longer in my control. I am free. AMEN! 😀
I have plenty on my slate, actually wishing there were more I could do at once (it happens when you’ve been in the habit of being hyper-productive at a job to the point you feel like a robot going through the motions) but realizing I am human and can only do so much without burning out before I’ve barely explored this new life. It’s a good feeling to check things off my list of stuff I’ve been meaning to do or committed myself to doing for others. The coming month has more yet in store; final polishes on the screenplay project (and with that comes the pre-production process, which has already started at my co-writer/director’s end), and then getting some more design projects rolling. It may not bring in the big bucks straight away, but it’s rewarding work. 😎
This all sounds like stupid rambly junk, but it’s part of the healing process, and never will I be alone in this. So, here’s to the coming month, and the one after that, and all the other little unknowns that I look forward to experiencing from here on out.
P.S. – Mathnet/Square One TV Fans – I promise you will not be disappointed once I get more of the backlog of stuff combed through and prepared for a site update. If you’ve been waiting this long, you can wait a bit longer, yes? Let me remind you pretty much every episode can be found on YouTube these days, so why not have a little mini-marathon? 😉